Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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