Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
