Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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