You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
