He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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