I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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