I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
His hands were made for my vagina.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
