My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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