I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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