so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
