we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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