If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
