Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
