She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
