I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
