i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
