i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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