: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
