Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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