oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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