remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
