i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
