Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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