I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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