I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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