I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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