Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
