i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
