I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
