How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize