I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
