We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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