dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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