She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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