OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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