Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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