If i come over, it means nothing
Tell her she can't have a vagina
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
