I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
