Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
