So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
