the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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