none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
