my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
