Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
