We won't sleep together?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
