Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
