My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
