Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
