He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
