happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
