I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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