No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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