he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
