nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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