More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
It's shark week go big or go home
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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