I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
